In Sickness and in Health: Redefining Marriage After Disability

When my husband and I said the standard vows of, “in sickness and in health… ‘til death do us part,” we had no idea how literally we would put this into practice. Just like every young person who experiences love, we pictured ourselves growing old together, spending time with grandbabies, and facing the gradual demise of our bodies through old age.

Navigating the reality of "in sickness and in health"

We were not prepared for my husband’s thyroid cancer in the second year of our marriage. There was no way of predicting my downward spiral into chronic illness, including a long battle with chronic hives that made even simple daily activities feel like a trial, which ended in my becoming disabled before the age of 40. And we definitely didn’t have a grasp on how these challenges would have a profound effect on our marriage.

The impact of chronic illness on relationships

Many marriages with a sick spouse end in divorce, but the majority do not. Women dealing with chronic illness in a heterosexual relationship are often unevenly "abandoned" compared to men.

Contributing to this imbalance are:¹

• Homemaking duties and child-rearing that often fall to women.
• Challenges with intimacy during illness.
• The effects of chronic hospitalizations and the need for emergency care.
• Financial strain from medical services and prescription medications.

When a parent is dealing with a condition like chronic hives, despite that parent’s best efforts, kids may feel strong emotions about the situation. Communication is key in keeping relationships strong, and marriages that are strong before chronic illness are more likely to weather the challenges.¹

The burden of solo caregiving and advocacy

Among the challenges listed above are the difficulties faced when a spouse or parent needs to undergo surgery or face an emergency alone. In my family, this has frequently happened as I’ve encountered chronic illness while raising young children.

It's difficult to face an emergency alone, and attempting to advocate for myself without a backup while sick is hard. These times are difficult for my husband, as he then has to solo-parent and fill in the gaps left by my absence.

Routines are often thrown into chaos; household tasks are left unfinished. When a solitary incident turns into a chronic condition, it may permanently affect the way a household runs due to the limitations of the disabled individual.

On top of this, some partners may be better at the caregiving role than others. When caregiving doesn't come naturally, it can create a disconnect in a relationship. Again, communication is key.

Finding a new normal as a couple

As my husband and I have shifted between various health challenges through the years, we’ve adopted a very loose approach to many aspects of life. We see that quality time as a couple, rest, and family time are more important than clean baseboards.

We’ve grown accustomed to stretching our budget due to my being disabled (though some wiggle room would be nice!). We also had to rethink our daily environment to manage my chronic hives, such as carefully choosing laundry detergents and products that won't trigger a painful flare-up. Our kids have had to change their expectations of what we can do and accomplish in an average day or week. They know (for the most part) not to compare the way our family functions to others.

To manage our daily life, we have adapted our roles:

• My husband has shifted his duties to include more of the homemaking.
• I focus on the budget, schedules, and tasks that require less physical exertion.

It’s not a perfect system, and we all have disappointments due to these challenges. But I’m thankful that, in the midst of those challenges, we can communicate and work through our frustrations.